Little Red Riding Hood or how I tried to help out Grandma

Hi, it’s me again, Fred.  What, you don’t know anyone by that name?  How about Frederick Von Wolfhausen III?  No?  Well, okay, maybe you will recognize me by this horrible nickname:  The Big Bad Wolf.  Oh, so that one you know?  I really don’t like that name, it hurts my feelings.  I have been trying very hard to change everyone’s opinions of me and having to use that name doesn’t help at all.

It is all those awful little pigs’ fault.  Blow down a couple of houses that were only held together with sticks and straws and I’m the bad guy.  Does anyone ever mention how poorly those houses were constructed?  No?  I didn’t thinks so.  I bet just knocking on their front doors probably would have been enough to topple them over.  But that is a story for another day.

I have spent the past year trying to prove that I am not that guy.  I am not ‘big and bad’.  I am really soft, fluffy and friendly, actually the nicest wolf you could ever hope to meet.  At least that is what my Mums and Pops tell me.

I have been very busy doing good deeds around the forest, trying to prove how kind I really am.  I rescue little animals that get trapped in the thickets.  I work hard to free them, but then what happens?  The minute they are loose, they run away screaming “it’s the big, bad wolf!”  Why would they do that?  Didn’t I just rescue them?

I pick up baby birds and put them back in their nest too.  But then their mom chases me away like I had plans to eat them for my next meal or something.  It’s just not fair.  I only want to be friends.

And yesterday, this happens.  I was walking through the woods, minding my own business, when I saw Grandma Gertie working in her garden.  I went over to say hi and to see if she would like some help.  What do you think happened when she realized it was me?  She jumped up, pretty fast for a grandma by the way, and ran screaming into the woods yelling “the wolf, the wolf, the big, bad wolf!”  “I just wanted to help you”, I yelled after her.  So, with nothing else to do, I kneeled down and began pulling up weeds from the garden.  Her garden looked pretty pitiful and it seemed like the least I could do.

After a few minutes, I began to hear whistling off in the distance.  Yay, Grandma must have calmed down and decided to come back.  In desperation, I wondered if maybe Grandma saw me dressed like she was, then she wouldn’t be scared.  So I grabbed some clothes off the clothesline and changed into them.  I put on an old gown and slipped a lace cap on my head to cover up my ears.  Now, I that I look more like her, I bet she will seee me as a friend.

grandma-wolf (dragged)

As the whistling grew closer, I saw that it wasn’t Grandma after all.  It was a little girl in a red cape and hood.  She was skipping toward the garden carrying a picnic basket.  Oh boy, a picnic.  I love picnics.  They are so much fun!  Lemonade, sandwiches, cupcakes, oh my!

When the little girl came close enough to see me, I noticed she was squinting.  Oh, maybe she lost her glasses.  This may be my chance to help her and she can tell everyone how kind and helpful I really am.  As the little girl skipped even closer, she tripped over a rock on the path.  She reached out to grab me to stop her fall, but she accidentally stuck her hand right in my mouth, gross!  But being the polite wolf that I am, I didn’t say anything.  “What big teeth you have,” she said.  (How rude I thought, but did I say that?  No.)

“Umm, the better to eat that picnic with”, I replied.  I never, ever said the better to eat you with, I promise!

After wiping her hand on her skirt, she reached down into the picnic basket.  I thought she was bringing out the cupcakes, but no, she pulls out her glasses.  As her vision focused, her eyes widened and she let out a ear splitting scream.  The basket fell to the ground as she ran screaming off into the woods.  What just happened?

Not knowing what else to do, I sat down and looked in the picnic basket.  Hey, she left it sitting there and I didn’t want it to go to waste.  But please don’t tell my Mums, she gets upset if I eat too many sweets.

By the time I got back home, the story was already being told that ‘the big, bad wolf’ had scared Grandma Gertie away and then had tried to eat Little Red Riding Hood.  Why would she say such things?  I don’t eat pigs and I don’t eat people.  I like cake, birthday cake to be precise.  And maybe ice cream too.  But people, yuck!

So now I am asking for your help.  Please help me spread the word about what really happened.  And if you are ever out this way would you mind bringing me some birthday cake?  I have a feeling I won’t be getting invited to too many parties anymore.


The Big Bad Wolf & the Three Little Pigs

I know, I don’t like that name either.  It just makes me so angry.  There is absolutely nothing ‘little’ about those three pigs!  No, I know, it’s that ‘Big Bad Wolf’ name that gets everyone so upset.  I am trying to get a retraction or a re-write, but so far no luck.  Maybe if you hear my side of the story, you might help me get the word out to everyone else?

You see, my name is actually Frederick Von Wolfhausen III, but my friends just call me Fred.  Though after those silly pigs get through telling their story, I may not have any friends left!

The Big Bad Wolf & The 3 Little Pigs picture

I grew up an only child to Martha Louise and Frederick Von Wolfhausen II.  So although I was spoiled terribly, I would get so lonely at times.  It’s hard to get a lot of wolves together for anything.  A wolf pack is all fun and games until someone steps on a tail, and then the fights begin.  Eventually, Mums and Pops had enough and moved us out to the country.  That way we could avoid most of the wolf pack meet ups.  So there I was, stuck out in the country with no friends nearby.

Until one fall day, while out skipping stones in the creek, I heard splashing and laughter coming from around the curve.  What do you think I saw splashing around there?  Yes, two not-so-little pigs.  They were playing tag in the water, yelling ‘you’re it’, then swimming away.  What fun!  I stood nearby on the bank and waited for them to catch their breath, before clearing my throat.  They turned slowly toward me, then looked back at each other and winked.  I didn’t know then how much that wink would cost me.

“Come on in and play” the biggest pig offered.  “Tag is always more fun with three.”

Oh, joy, they want me to play?  You bet!  I jumped right in the water and we laughed and played until the sun began to set.  The two pigs, Percival and Phineas, invited me back again tomorrow to play.  So for the next few months, we met at the creek and played.  It was wonderful to finally have friends nearby again.

As the days grew cooler, Percival and Phineas would often talk about how much they dreaded the winter.   It seems they had put up their houses rather quickly, using straw and sticks, and the wind seemed to blow right through the walls.  It sounded terrible to me.  But when I asked them why they didn’t fix them, they laughed and said they had rather play and have fun.  They would worry about the cold later.  I was secretly very glad that Pops had made sure our house was nice and cozy, and I didn’t have to worry.

One cold day near the end of November, the pigs asked me to come over to their houses and play.  Mums said it was okay as long as I was home before sunset, so off I went.  I have to say, their houses looked so rickety that I was afraid to even go inside either one.

Phineas said he had a new game for us to play.  We were going to take turns to see who could blow the most leaves off their roofs.  That sounded harmless enough, since I wouldn’t have to go inside at all, so I agreed.  Percival set up a ladder in front of his house, climbed up, took a deep breath and blew.  Three leaves fell to the ground.  Phineas was next.  He only managed to blow off two.  I was going to win this game hands down!  I didn’t really need to stand on the ladder, but they insisted.  Once I was up there, I drew in my breath and prepared to show them how it was done.  But just as I blew out, those mischievous pigs rocked the ladder and I fell right off onto the roof!  As I tried to sit up, the roof began to shake and suddenly I was sitting in the kitchen.  I was horrified.  What do I do now?

Percival just laughed and said he would fix his roof tomorrow and moved the ladder over to Phineas’s house.  They each blew off a couple of leaves, then said it was my turn.  Well, no ladder for me this time!  I stood on my tiptoes and blew as hard as I could and the whole straw roof blew off.  I don’t think it was held down very well at all.  Once the roof was gone, the walls caved in.  How awful!  Did anyone else see that coming?  I sure didn’t.

Before I could apologize, Percival and Phineas began screaming at the top of their lungs.  They ran over to a nearby brick house and started banging on the door.  “Let us in, Brother.  A Big Bad Wolf has huffed and puffed and blown both our houses down.  We will surely be eaten if you don’t let us in!”  The door was jerked open by a very large angry pig.  “Pomeroy, Pomeroy, as our older brother you have to protect us.”

Pomeroy motioned them in, then glared at me while slamming the door.  I ran over and politely knocked.  “Oh, Percival, Phineas, please explain to your dear brother that we were only playing a game.  I would never knock over your houses on purpose.  And what is that you said about getting eaten?  That is ridiculous.  My Mums always has dinner ready for me promptly at six o’clock every night.  I couldn’t dare eat now.”

No one answered, so I went around to the back door and tried knocking again.  They ignored me, so I went around to a window.  I had to yell to be heard through the window, but I had to explain.  As Pomeroy walked over to pull the curtain closed, I saw Percival and Phineas pointing and laughing at me.  Their brother yelled at me to go away and never come back.  At this, those tow awful pigs stuck their tongues out at me and turned around to sit by the fire.

I waited around until sunset, hoping they would come back out, but at last I gave up and headed home.  I was crying when I walked in our door and Mums and Pops rushed over to find out what was wrong.  Mums sat me down, brought me a hot cocoa and asked me to tell them everything.  After I finished, Pops banged his fist on the table in frustration.  “Those sneaky pigs were not very good friends Fred.  I think they came up with a plan to spend this winter in their brother’s warm, cozy house and used you to accomplish it.  I’m sure their brother didn’t want them to stay with him because they were lazy.  Their plan got them sympathy and a warm home.  I don’t ever want you to hang around with that group of pigs again.  They are no good.”

After a few days, I ventured into town with Mums.  All afternoon, we heard murmurs of “There he is.  That’s the Big Bad Wolf that blew down poor Percival and Phineas’s homes.  You know they have to live with their brother, Pomeroy, now.”  People even crossed the street to avoid speaking to us.  It was terrible.

Mums took my hand and we quickly headed home.  But not before she looked those people right in the eye and said “His name is Fred, and those horrible, lazy pigs wanted their houses blown down.  Fred was framed and one day you will realize it for yourselves!”

My Mums is my biggest fan, and my bestest friend!